The Problems of Jeryes

Posted on August 28, 2010 by Jeryes

I am home. I am home somewhat under the influence of alcohol after going to a bar to meet a friend I initially met on Twitter. It is his graduation party. After twelve long months at Vancouver Film School in the Film Production program, he is finally done. Congratulations to him and his fellow classmates!

But that is where the happiness ends. I am not incredibly proud of myself at the moment. You see, there was an invitation that I read on Twitter to join him and his friends to celebrate, and so I went. But I went alone as I could not find one of my own friends from school to join me. This is something that Jean Ryan Escalante simply does not do. Jean Ryan Escalante, or Jeryes as I like to call myself for short, is shy. So excruciatingly shy that it’s painful to share the same body. Look at me. Blogging as though I am Smeigal/Gollum or whatever.

I am not proud of myself for what I did tonight because I left the party because I could not muster up the courage, or the guts or the balls or whatever you would like to call it, to introduce myself to anyone. I couldn’t. I never have been able to. I am so self-conscious it is not funny. I don’t want to seem like the idiot who can’t carry on the conversation or the creepy guy who stands there listening in and not contributing. You know that guy! They’re weird, right?

And instead of saying goodbye in person, I left and then sent him a text message. A TEXT MESSAGE! WHY AM I SO PATHETIC?! Oh my GOD I could hurt myself right now. But I won’t because that would be painful. But as I walked home, I realized there are many things I don’t like about myself. So brace yourselves, readers. This is going to be a long one. I am going to list three things I do not like about myself for now. Problems, if you will, that I would love to resolve but I just can’t seem to rid myself of these awful habits. Let’s get on with it, shall we?

1. I am incredibly shy/awkward/terrible at meeting new people.
I am pretty sure that there are tons of people who know this about me, but let’s take coming to Vancouver Film School for example. Remember that time (probably not) in October when I first blogged about my Orientation Day? I’m pretty sure I stated then that I did not end up talking to a single soul. Why? Because I can’t introduce myself to people. I am too busy worrying about making a good first impression, that I panic, and decide not to. This is shortly followed by an exit from the event. It wasn’t until our first day of class that I began talking to people but only because we were forced to sit around a table together and go around telling each other our interests. I shit you not fellow classmates, I was sooooo ready to take a whizz in my parents, a return to the days in grade 3 (Yes. I was a pant-wetter in grade 3.) when I was afraid to go to the washroom because the grade 6,7,8 kids looked scary. There was no wetting of the pants this time, but that’s because I went to the washroom enough to make sure it didn’t happen. I just can’t do it. I can’t meet new people. At least not without being introduced or forced into it. I just can’t introduce myself. If I were to list my phobias in life, it would be zombies, then spiders, and then meeting new people. And I mean NEW people. If I’ve talked to you before on the internet, it’s generally no big deal, but NEW people as in NEW to my life. I can’t do it. Ugh. And I don’t want to feel like I need to be babied. That’s totally way more embarrassing.

2. I’m a procrastinator.
Term 5 just ended today. Do you know what that means? Term 6 starts on Monday. Do you have any idea how much this frightens me? A LOT. Why? Because I have done barely any work for my final project so far. I’m scared. I haven’t done much pre-planning and it’s starting to haunt me. But this procrastination isn’t just school related. Even when it comes to chores! Or sending e-mails. Or reading books. OR PLAYING VIDEO GAMES! I just feel like… I need some added pressure to complete something on time. I know a lot of people work well under pressure, but I definitely do not enjoy it. Ugh.

3. I lack self-confidence. Like, a lot.
This must kind of go with my inability to talk to strangers, but it’s more so to do with my work ethic. I get stuff done. I do. But it’s not very good work. I’m always afraid to go above and beyond because I know how easily I can get frustrated when I don’t think I can do it. At least when it comes to digital technologies. Give me something analog, and I can usually do a pretty nice job (or at least I think so). But yeah. Sometimes I can’t even sing for people. My own friends! I mean, I know I’m not the greatest of singers, but it is something I want to do, and as much as I’d love to upload a video to YouTube every week, I just don’t think I’m good enough. People say I’m “good”, but how good is good? What does that even mean?

That’s it for now. I was initially going to do five, but then I couldn’t think of anything else. The effects of the double Long Island Iced Tea are wearing off. I’m trying to think positively right now, especially before going to bed. It’s important to try to keep a positive outlook on life before falling asleep or it will affect your mood when you wake up!

But yeah. I feel like a giant douche tonight. I wish I wasn’t so pathetic. And I can’t believe that the only way I know how to make myself feel slightly better about myself is to blog about it. I really am more comfortable behind a computer screen. Oh boy. I have bigger problems to deal with.

Jeryes out.

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I need to not be shy anymore.

Posted on August 2, 2010 by Jeryes

Start rant.

Ever see someone who you would really like to go up to and have a conversation with, but you just never had the guts to do it? That happened to me tonight. I am always so self-conscious that it drives me nuts. I am an awkward person when you first meet me. At least this is what I tend to believe about myself. I never know what to talk about. I mean, bringing up the weather is so totally not cool, and when you really do not know someone, how do you know what to talk about that they might find interesting enough to want to talk to you about said interesting thing? You don’t!

I feel trapped. And it is totally something that I need to change about myself. How am I ever going to ever meet a man if I cannot even man up? I was born with a pair of balls. I should be using them to muster up the courage to say “Hi. How are you doing tonight? What do you do for a living?”, or something nonsensical like that. At least it would get the ball of conversation rolling.

And another reason why this really bothers me is the fact that I want to be a professional singer. I have sang in front of people before. I was even gutsy enough to sing a song a cappella for my high school’s talent show. I don’t know if that’s something I could do now. If I want to perform for thousands of people, maybe I need to work a little smaller and figure out a way to interact with one person.

Anyway, end rant. Just something that bothered me about myself tonight. Tired. Tomorrow (or today if you choose to be technical about it) I am going to IKEA. I need to buy a new laundry hamper and some coat hangers. I also need to check out computer desks as I am so close to just saying, “Screw debt! It’s a part of life!” and buy myself a brand new iMac. I want an awesome station where I can practice my skills in Adobe Illustrator, Photoshop, After Effects, Premiere Pro, etc. It would also be a good start for recording music and such. So exciting!

But let me ask you this: are you shy? Or at least have a problem introducing yourself to people? Let’s help each other out, hold hands, and get through this.

<3

- Jean

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I hate you, MySQL.

Posted on July 25, 2010 by Jeryes

If you didn’t work hand in hand with PHP, I would disown you SO FAST. But seeing as how I apparently need to learn you at the same time as I learn PHP… Well…this is going to be one bumpy relationship, isn’t it?

I thought web design was supposed to be easy. :(

- Jeryes

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A step in the forked direction

Posted on July 12, 2010 by Jeryes

I’m kind of back at square one.

Two years ago, around this time, I spoke to a man who ended up becoming my advisor here at Vancouver Film School. His name is John and he was trying to help me decide on whether or not Vancouver Film School was the right choice for me. Having gone to the University of Alberta to pursue a career as a French-immersion science teacher, I found out that the sciences definitely hate my guts and thought themselves better than me. I know. How dare they? Perhaps it was for the best.

I applied, got accepted (Of course I did. Hello $20,000!), and ended up working for a year at various jobs in order to make enough money to at least get me through my first year. It wasn’t until a few months before my starting date that I realized I might not be heading into the right program. I was enrolled in Foundation (GOOD MOVE! SERIOUSLY!) but I wasn’t sure if Game Design was a good idea. Digital Design also looked promising. And here’s where I am again today, or at least have been for the past few weeks.

As you see, readers, I love video games and I love social networking. Seeing as how I’ve been playing games since the age of three and have managed to trick my parents into buying consoles for me in the past (Sorry, Dad. But when I bought that GameCube game, it wasn’t an accident. I KNEW it wouldn’t work with the N64.) and gamed from morning ’til night, that’s where my parents felt I should go: into the video game industry. But then if you were to time stamp every time I connect to and disconnect from the internet and pay me for that time, oh man. OVERTIME GALORE. Fact is, I love talking to people from all over the globe, and I love looking at the design elements on every social networking site I go to. I just love it when things look pretty, alright? Geez.

So here I am. In front of a computer, with a “how to Javascript” book to my left, and school program information on my right. This is how I like to spend my days, apparently. Reading until my eyes roll back into my skull. But I’m in the works of arranging meetings with the different program heads to discuss which program is better for me. It’s no secret that I want to be a pro blogger and web designer/developer, but games are why I came here in the first place. And to be honest, I don’t know even know what roles might be available to me in the game industry. It’s never really been something I’ve educated myself on, so maybe I should check it out before discarding the idea completely.

Are you where you want to be right now? Or are you also finding yourself at a crossroads? Leave a comment. Let’s chat about our (future) lives!

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Term 5 starts tomorrow

Posted on July 4, 2010 by Jeryes

Hello blog. It’s been a while.

Term four of Foundation at VFS ended the 23rd of June, with FD38′s class having their graduation on that Friday the 25th. I was pretty impressed with their final works, but for some reason, I left with a hunger for something a little more. Perhaps I’m starting to expect too much from us students. Then again, I’m not that great of an artist either. At least I don’t think I am yet.

But this is it. Tonight at midnight marks the beginning of a journey that may involve stress-induced comas, procrastination, and some blood and tears. My class finally divides to go into their own streams: Film Production, 3D/2D Animation, and Digital Design. As I am in Digital Design this term, I have only two main classes, both of which are on Thursdays, with a little sprinkle of other “classes” here and there to help keep us on track, with an introduction to Sound Design.

My final project is to design this blog. This very blog that you are reading now. I have learned HTML and CSS in the past, but for the most part, it has escaped me except for the really basic stuff. This will be my challenge to myself to learn the new web standards however, HTML5 & CSS3. I’m a little scared, but I think as long as I find myself a great resource, I can do this. I learned XHTML and CSS out of the Head First book, so hopefully I can find something just as good to keep me up-to-date. I’ll also need to learn Javascript and PHP because something about WordPress just confuses the hell out of me.

When we all did our project pitches in front of the class, for some reason I couldn’t help but think that mine was the weakest of the class. Everyone else is doing a film project, an animation, some Flash interactivity game, to mention a few. Mine is web design. I don’t know. It just…doesn’t seem like it belongs on the grand scale of awesome, but maybe I will surprise myself. Who knows? But seeing as how I want to be a professional blogger and web designer/developer, I think I’m moving along the right track.

This is it. Term 5 and 6. Four months to work on what should be an amazing finish to an amazing year of self-growth, instruction, and good times. This is what it’s all come down to. Let’s hope I do this right.

Jeryes out.

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